This Is Where I Live

Originally posted July 7/2007 in "Allison Wonderland"



Depression is kind of like the Transformers, though WAY less cool- it's more than meets the eye.

If you take an assessment quiz for Depression, you get the questions almost everyone would expect to find, asking about feelings of hopelessness and despair, thoughts about harming yourself (or worse)- pretty much emo stuff, but without the music and the drama. And if you're answering "yes" to any of those questions, you're in a bad way. The deepest levels of Depression suck you down into an inky black whirlpool where you don't know what's up or down, and you can't see your hand in front of your face. Nothing makes sense, and nothing good seems true anymore.

If you're lucky, you get help, and they find a treatment (or combination of treatments) that works for you. Maybe what you're going through is situational, brought on by a traumatic event; if you're really "lucky" (ha ha), you'll be fine after cognitive therapy and a course of antidepressants to help your brain get through the worst of it. If you're like me, it's in your genes. You don't see it coming- you're probably too tired to see it coming, thanks to either insomnia or too much of what they call "non-restorative sleep"... and you're not going to get over it. You learn to fight as hard as you can when it's getting bad, and you get over feeling weak for needing medication to deal with what so many people refuse to accept as a real disease. But it gets a bit better.

At first it feels so good to get out of that gaping, sucking whirlpool- anything is better than that. But then you realize that you're now floating on a dead, grey sea. Alone on your raft, no land in sight; no birds, no whales, no interesting crap floating by in the water.

Some days are ok, some are actually good, but there are always relapses. Sometimes a medication just craps out on you, leaving you free-falling back to square one. Sometimes you encounter one of those traumatic events that would break anyone. And sometimes you're just too tired to fight. Even if you don't end up crying for days or having a panic attack, you always have the other stuff to deal with- the "more than meets the eye" crap.

The complete emotional flatness that comes when the medications won't let you cry.

The lack of interest in absolutely everything that used to bring you joy- reading, movies, fishing, walks in the park... you'd rather be in bed.

The guilt that you try to talk yourself out of; your brain says it's not your fault, but something else tells you that you're not doing enough, that your family and friends are disappointed in you...

The not wanting to be. Oh, you're not going to hurt yourself or anyone else... but sometimes you just want to give up. You don't want to be who you are, but you don't want to be anyone else, either.

Yeah, those days suck. It's not wallowing in misery, it's not spiritual weakness or lack of faith, it's not a cry for attention. Actually, on days like that, I'd rather be left alone. It's just that old sickness coming back, just reminding you that no matter how much positive thinking you do, how you practice turning around your "cognitive fallacies", how well you think your medications are balancing the chemicals and receptors in your brain... it's there, it's yours. Just like a person with diabetes can watch her diet, take her insulin, test her blood sugar, and still have bad days, so do we. We hope this is as bad as it gets, but can't help but remember those who lost the fight. It can be a deadly disease.

Why am I writing this today? Because it's been a week of ups and downs- mostly downs. I haven't been crying, but I haven't been happy. I blame hormones for a lot of it this time around, and stressful events, good and bad. I'll get through it, just like I always do, and I'll try to be thankful that it's not worse. A bad day isn't always tears and yelling; a bad day is often just not wanting to do, or go, or be.

I just wanted to put this out there. You all know someone who's struggling with Depression, the "common cold of mental illness"- though significantly more dangerous than a case of the sniffles. Please be gentle if they're having a bad day... or week... or year. Even if we can't always say so, your friendship means so much.