Dogs Drool

Originally posted August 19/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"



Dogs are gross. I hate to be the one to say it, and I apologize to all dog lovers out there, but come on. Love them though we may, and sweet though they may be, sometimes they're just nasty.

And this is nothing against any one dog, particularly the one who's staying with us right now. She's a sweet little thing, very affectionate, and very attached to me. I'm flattered. But I'm being reminded of all the things I really don't miss about having a dog.

Like, for example, the love of what are known in my family as "shit-bits", the instant snack from the litter box. I have yet to meet a dog who would turn down a chance to eat cat poo, and that, my friends, is gross. Who else eats the feces of another species? HA! That rhymes! Sweet. Anyway, it's not just the fact that they eat it; it's the fact that after they do, they want to come and give you a biiiiiig, sloppy kiss on the face. Or the hand. Or the foot. They're not particular.

Worse, AJ's dog that he had when we got married (China) used to go out in the yard, do her business, come inside for a while, and then go back out so she could eat it. SHE ATE HER OWN POO. At least she wasn't real "licky", but still. Eeeeeeewww. Who does that?!!

While we're on back-end business, let's discuss the farting. Some dogs are worse than others; bulldogs are notorious farters, and the aforementioned eater-of-her-own-poo (a bulldog mix) was no exception. I was thrilled to move in with her, let me tell you. Even a relatively non-gassy dog lets off a good one a few times a day. Convenient if you want someone to blame it on... gross otherwise.

Oh, and there are other smells. Burps are nice, especially after a snack of shit-bits. Dogs' fur is smelly if they don't have baths very often- especially older dogs, who tend to have skin problems. And I may have the smelliest cat in the world (I'm pretty sure I do), but his crap is, at best, on par with dog poo on the smell-o-metre.* And have you ever smelled a dog with leaking anal glands? Possibly the worst smell on Earth.

There's lots more, but (lest you get bored) I'll only mention one more thing: THE INCESSANT LICKING. Slurp... slurp... slurp... It's one of the nastiest sounds on the planet, dog tongue and flapping lips, usually licking either ass or asociated regions. The worst was with Otis, our last dog; he had huge jowls that almost made sucking noises when he licked himself. And when he licked his boy bits, he often got a... well, something else that convinced me that dogs are gross. Even a nice little dog like Two-Face can drive me bonkers lying on the end of the bed at night, licking and licking and licking and... GAAAAAAH!!!

So why do we love them? Well, I can't say I love dogs in general, but I do on an individual basis. I guess it's the whole "unconditional love" thing, the wagging tail when you get home from a rough day.

I'll still take a cat pretty much any day.




*Did you like the Canadian spelling there?