Dogs Drool

Originally posted August 19/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"



Dogs are gross. I hate to be the one to say it, and I apologize to all dog lovers out there, but come on. Love them though we may, and sweet though they may be, sometimes they're just nasty.

And this is nothing against any one dog, particularly the one who's staying with us right now. She's a sweet little thing, very affectionate, and very attached to me. I'm flattered. But I'm being reminded of all the things I really don't miss about having a dog.

Like, for example, the love of what are known in my family as "shit-bits", the instant snack from the litter box. I have yet to meet a dog who would turn down a chance to eat cat poo, and that, my friends, is gross. Who else eats the feces of another species? HA! That rhymes! Sweet. Anyway, it's not just the fact that they eat it; it's the fact that after they do, they want to come and give you a biiiiiig, sloppy kiss on the face. Or the hand. Or the foot. They're not particular.

Worse, AJ's dog that he had when we got married (China) used to go out in the yard, do her business, come inside for a while, and then go back out so she could eat it. SHE ATE HER OWN POO. At least she wasn't real "licky", but still. Eeeeeeewww. Who does that?!!

While we're on back-end business, let's discuss the farting. Some dogs are worse than others; bulldogs are notorious farters, and the aforementioned eater-of-her-own-poo (a bulldog mix) was no exception. I was thrilled to move in with her, let me tell you. Even a relatively non-gassy dog lets off a good one a few times a day. Convenient if you want someone to blame it on... gross otherwise.

Oh, and there are other smells. Burps are nice, especially after a snack of shit-bits. Dogs' fur is smelly if they don't have baths very often- especially older dogs, who tend to have skin problems. And I may have the smelliest cat in the world (I'm pretty sure I do), but his crap is, at best, on par with dog poo on the smell-o-metre.* And have you ever smelled a dog with leaking anal glands? Possibly the worst smell on Earth.

There's lots more, but (lest you get bored) I'll only mention one more thing: THE INCESSANT LICKING. Slurp... slurp... slurp... It's one of the nastiest sounds on the planet, dog tongue and flapping lips, usually licking either ass or asociated regions. The worst was with Otis, our last dog; he had huge jowls that almost made sucking noises when he licked himself. And when he licked his boy bits, he often got a... well, something else that convinced me that dogs are gross. Even a nice little dog like Two-Face can drive me bonkers lying on the end of the bed at night, licking and licking and licking and... GAAAAAAH!!!

So why do we love them? Well, I can't say I love dogs in general, but I do on an individual basis. I guess it's the whole "unconditional love" thing, the wagging tail when you get home from a rough day.

I'll still take a cat pretty much any day.




*Did you like the Canadian spelling there?

Simon and the Dumb Butterfly

Originally posted July 24/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"


It hasn't all been barf and gagging the last few days; mostly, but not all.

In fact, we've been having some really nice weather (in between the rainy days). A few evenings ago AJ, Simon and I had some time to hang out in the back yard. Simon was puttering around, pushing his cars and trucks through the grass, drawing on the rocks with sidewalk chalk. We took out a big blanket to sit... and I tried to find the camera.

I found it, but not in time to get pictures of my boys. When I went back outside, AJ was lying on his back. So Was Simon- on top of his dad. They were stacked up on the blanket, watching the clouds blow by. "Ooooooooh!" said Simon, pointing at the sky. He tried to say cloud... he got to saying "cccc" when he saw one. Not bad.

Then he got distracted by a butterfly. There were two of them flitting around the yard; one of them was particularly fond of our blanket... and us. I don't think it was the brightest butterfly in the sky, and I have a feeling that natural selection might have a nasty surprise in store for the little guy. Not because he kept landing on us- that was kind of fun. He'd land on the blanket, sit for a minute, and then take off for a spin around the yard with his friend. Then he landed on AJ's leg... and my butt... Simon thought it was hilarious. He likes butterflies. He likes to try to touch butterflies. Most of them fly away- this one, not so much. Simon touched it a few times; I think he was more surprised than the butterfly was!

So that was our evening. I had to come in when someone put lighter fluid or something on their BBQ- the stink was gag-tacular. Simon was a bit more reluctant to come in- the only time he's actually happy to come in the house is if there's a bath waiting.

I don't know why people are still complaining about the weather. This is summer in NL, people- it rains a lot, but we get the most beautiful days in between. Enjoy it while it lasts. At least it's not snowing.

Flaming-os?

Originally posted May 22/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"


If you need further proof that Mother Nature is more tolerant than most humans, check this story out: A pair of gay flamingos have officially adopted a baby.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070521/od_afp/britainanimalsgay;_ylt=AiXC9ba_63Mwq_zYbrbbuuADW7oF


Not to play into stereotypes or anything, but didn't you just know that if any bird species was going to come out of the closet, it was going to be the flamingo? According to the article, it's not uncommon for male flamingos to pair up (insert Brokeback Lagoon joke here). And I love that their names are Carlos and Fernando...

Good luck, guys.