Reality At Its Finest

Originally posted December 16/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"


Have I mentioned lately that I really hate US magazine? Have I also mentions that it arrives at my house every week like a virus I just can't shake? The problem is that it's reading material, and if there's nothing else lying around, I have to read it. It's like gravity- it's a natural law. I have to read something.

And so I learn that celebrities really ARE just like us- they pump gas! They buy expensive coffee! They pick up dog poop! Why do I care?!

I get to read "in-depth" articles (ie based entirely on rumours, quotes taken out of context and third-hand information) about people I don't even care about on a professional level- I really couldn't care less whether Jessica Simpson ever puts out another album or "acts" in another movie, never mind whether she should have stayed with Nick. I also get weekly updates on the State of the Britney, and though I find it hard to have any sympathy for someone who seems to care so little for her kids, I find it really creepy that millions of people are watching a human being self-destruct. She needs serious help from a real psychiatrist, but she doesn't have to get it, does she?

My favourite this week is the section on Christmas gift ideas. These advertising shopping sections are in every issue, of course; it's just a convenient time to slap a holiday label on. I always have a laugh over these "articles"- the junk they show is so expensive.


What do we have- aaahhhh: "Treat someone special (or give 'em a helpful hint!) with these A-list approved presents for everyone on your list". The first gift featured? A pair of really pretty, sparkly peep-toe shoes... for only $1,325! Wow, put 'em in my stocking, Sweetie! What planet are these people living on? Yeah, I know some people consider it reasonable to spend $355 on a purse (?!), but how about (since it's a special occasion) we splurge on this nice Tod's alligator bag for just $15,000? $2000 anti-aging caviar cream... $21,000 (each) gold and diamond bracelets that are just gorgeous if you stack 4 or 5 on at a time...

And my very favourites: who wouldn't want a $13,500 sleeveless white chinchilla coat? DO YOU KNOW HOW ADORABLE CHINCHILLAS ARE?!! And hey, for that money, I expect sleeves, people! Oh, and the belt shown is an extra $250. Oh, and wouldn't it look lovely with these dangly pink gold, diamond and sapphire earrings for just $89,630? Yeah, that price is printed correctly- I almost fell off my chair. Yeah, drop a little hint for that one this Christmas, why don't you?

At least men are cheaper: the most expensive gift shown "for him" is a $600 watch. I'm not sure if that says men are more responsible with their money or women aren't stupid enough to spend $7000 on a Christmas gift.

To their credit, US did put in an article about the various charities that famous people support- that was nice. I could have happily spent the rest of my life not knowing how much Suri Cruise's adorable little outfits cost. Gag.

Shut Up and... What?

Originally posted September 15/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"


Have you all heard Rihanna*'s new song, "Shut Up and Drive"? I like it. It's fun. It's catchy. When it comes on the radio, it makes me drive fast.

But I have this sneaking suspicion, guys... that the song is not about driving. The first clue was the fact that she describes herself as a car when, in fact (get this) she's not a car. I don't want to shock anyone who thought they were just listening to a song about fast cars, but I think this song just might be about... sex. There. I said it.

OK, so everyone had already picked up on that. I just have two things to say: First, good for you on being able to go from 0 to 60 in 3.5, honey- I'm jealous. I, apparently, am an old station wagon, not a Mustang.

Second thing: Whether the song's about cars or sex, maybe encouraging the dudes to "run all the lights" isn't a great idea. See, either way, red light means red light. Stop. Halt. Got it? Guys don't need to be told that it's sexy to run a red light, and girls definitely don't need to be told it's ok for them to do so.

That's my pop music lecture for the day. Seriously, though, fun song.

Hey, Mrs... Didn't I Ride You at the Zoo?

Originally posted September 11/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"



And once again, I have had many things to write about over the last 5 days; I just haven't done it. I don't know what's going on with me- normally I can't shut up. And I do try.

But I have to tell you guys something funny. OK, some of you already know. A few days ago, a one J. Morgan observed that Amy Winehouse looks like a camel. And you know what? She really kind of does.

It's nothing against her; lots of people look like animals. I was once watching a dog show on TV, and I thought the Old English Sheepdog bore a striking resmblance to David Suzuki. And I saw a Boxer at the park that looked EXACTLY like Samuel L. Jackson. It was actually frightening.

But "she looks like a camel"? That's just hilarity right there. I knew she looked familiar. I think her charming husband is trying to become more like her- did anyone see the picture of him shooting a snot-rocket out of his nose (where else?) into the sidewalk? Just like camel spit. If you didn't see the picture, you're obviously better than I am at resisting the pull of celebrity gossip magazines. Don't go looking for it.

Looking like a camel's not so bad. At least she's not (yet) associated, as so many famous young women are, with a certain part of a camel's anatomy... when they can be bothered to wear underpants at all. Sometimes, the pants are just too tight. *shudder!*

I wonder if she'd do cigarette ads?

Disc-Lexia

Originally posted May 25/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"



Does anyone else have serious problems with mishearing song lyrics? I can often figure out what people are actually saying (singing) when I've heard the song a few times, but there are a lot of songs that, no matter how overplayed they are, I can just never figure out. In fact, even after I've found out what the singer is supposedly saying, I still hear what I heard the first time.

OK, I know I'm not the only one. There are page-a-day calendars of this stuff out there. There's a comedian (darned if I can remember who it is- anyone know?) who talks about his mom mishearing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and singing "...The girl with colitis goes by!"

For example: Remember the blessedly-short-lived-as-a-single Jessica Simpson song "A Public Affair"? I won't hold it against you if you don't. Anyway, AJ and I could NOT figure out why, in the chorus, she whined "All the camels come out for a public affair". WTF? Camels?!! We actually looked it up: according to the interweb, she's saying "cameras", not "camels". I still hear camels (though not if I can avoid hearing it altogether). I like my version better.

Others for which I still have no idea what the correct lyrics are include:

Swen Stefani, "Sweet Escape": "I must apologize for actin', stinkin', treatin' you this way"

Len, "Steal My Sunshine" (remember this one?): "My stinky palms were into making stars, and I beg my serpent treats"

Shakira & Beyonce, "Beautiful Liar" (2nd verse): "I walked in on your machine- slow down, Sis!"

Oh, and I know Hayley remembers "Save your sisters for someone else's kin..." I don't even remember who does that one, but it sure was funny last summer.

I know I've got more, but I've embarrassed myself enough for one day. Now it's your turn: please, please leave a comment with lyrics you've misheard... don't leave me hanging here, people!

Hey Hey, You You- Shut Shut Up Up!

Originally posted May 16/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"



I'd like to nominate a new song for the title of "Most Overplayed": Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend". Is anyone else sick of it? I thought it was kind of cute at first, in spite of my general dislike for songs about trying to steal someone else's girl/boyfriend (the exception being "Hold My Beer While I Kiss Your Girlfriend"; that's just funny). After hearing "Girlfriend" every time I turn on the radio for the last month, however, it's just become REALLY annoying.

As for the video (also probably overplayed, but I don't watch much Much), yeah, she looks hot. She's an attractive young woman, even if the blonde 'do makes her look eerily like Hillary Duff. But come on- fishnets and tube socks?!! We get it- you're wild. You're wacky. You're original... but that just looks dumb. You look like an athletic transvestite who got dressed in the dark; it's as bad as those high-heeled sneakers/ hiking boots that were out a few years back. The thought of those still makes me shudder.... guh!

Oh, and making out with the guy you just pilfered in a mini-putt port-a-potty? Sick, dude. Even Homer and Marge made it to the windmill.

Spells

Originally posted April 22/2007 on "Allison Wonderland"


Can I just say something? I am so proud of what a good speller our little Fergie is becoming. Just look at the progress she's making: I don't recall her doing any spelling with the Black Eyed Peas, but now that she has a solo career, she's just a champ. She can spell "F to the E the R the G the I the E", which I believe is actually worth points on the SATs. She can spell "G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S"- not an easy word to spell. The first time I heard that song I didn't even realize it was her until I heard the spelling part, and then I went, "Oh, that must be Fergie, showing off again! God love 'er."

It seems that she's also teaching her little friends to spell, too! In the song Fergalicious she has her buddy will.i.am. spelling "D to da E to da L-I-C-I-O-U-S", which is probably at least a grade six level spelling word. I think (and correct me if I'm wrong) that he also spells "T to da A to da S-T-E-Y girl you TASTEY"... oops. I believe we'll have to deduct points there, sir... the correct spelling is "T-A-S-T-Y". I looked up.

Oh, but speaking of Fergie- is anyone sick of pop singers putting their own names in their songs? I mean, name dropping is tacky enough, but dropping your OWN name? That's kind of sad, too. It was bad enough when Shakira had someone else saying her name in a song, but now Fergie goes and puts hers in almost every single off her album. "Fergie Fergie me love you long time!" and such, plus the aforementioned Fergalicious. Shakira has sucked Beyonce into it, too, in their new song, Beautiful Liar. "Beyonce, Beyonce- Shakira, Shakira". Challenging lyrics, ladies. Wait... didn't Beyonce already do that when she was with Destiny's Child? Did she start this whole thing? Well, whoever it was, I'd like to put forward a motion that all mention of one's own name should henceforth be banned from lyrics in pop music. Or other music. Except for stage musicals- then the use of a character's name is OK.

Oh, and no more using your songs to promote your own clothing lines. Yes, I'm talking to you, Stefani!